Get thee behind me, Santa. Curious news from Germany, where a group has launched a campaign to persuade people to turn their backs on Santa Claus and return to St Nicholas instead.

Well, he tak some young man un he go off to Alsaroke to steal horse, un I seet roun' un watch dat woman. She watch me. Pretty soon camp was hunt de buffalo, un I was hunt Snow-Owl's woman. Every one was excite, un dey don' tak no 'count of me. I see de woman go up leetle coulie for stray horse, un I follar her. I sais, 'How do? You come be my woman. We run off to Meestar MacDonnail's tradehouse.' […] She sais she afraid.

Or he might be chatting amiably with a stroke victim or a potted plant. He might be unpeeling the invisible piece of fruit that occupied his attention hour after hour. He might be sleeping.

His house organ Breitbart and a host of Trump-right websites and news outlets sang praises to his dank genius.