“Everything about us is just one layer of lies after another. We're a lasagna of lies. This is a terrible basis for a relationship.”

Those data points, and others, plug into an artificial intelligence model they’ve made. It spits out recommendations to each store leader, such as how many pies need to be on-hand in their shops by the hour. Last year, Sam’s Club sold enough pumpkin pies to fill up 450 football fields, officials said. (They declined to give an exact figure.)

“Come on, Lana. Give me and the bird a chance. We're boffo.”

At last he comes, and on his knee The wee tots a'thegether cling, An' ilk yen strives to catch his ee, Syne tugs his cwoat an' bids him sing.