I shagged David Beckham last week. – Stop chatting shit; that's a load of bollocks.

We know how Darius got the Persian Empire from the rest of his fellow Peers, from the first neighing of his generous Steed.

United were made to pay for letting an eight-point lead as little as five weeks ago slip and, despite their final-day efforts, they will look back on a season where, when they needed to step up, they fell flat.

Ah ! we may smile as we walk behind our hostess as she discourses eagerly over her pickles and preserves, and we scent the queer lavender cupboardy smell that hangs about the upstairs rooms, each bed appropriately attired in a ghost-like dust-sheet.