I was paid a lucky £7 an hour, which was why I took this job as opposed to the door bitch job at Ronnie Scott's, which paid an unlucky £8 an hour.

The captain was dutybound to see all passengers off the sinking ship before he left it himself.

He was red-carded for striking the other player.

All nine passengers and crew died yesterday when a twelve-seater Sikorsky helicopter operated by Doom Air crashed in a really big ball of flames shortly after takeoff from Bumfuck Nowhere regional airport.