A tree came down and hit me on the head.

I dunno. He's carried this one on since Halloween. I'm starting to think the lie was actually the 'straight guy' role. I may have a crappy gaydar, but having faked heterosexuality before, I feel like I should be able to recognize it.

a beanless variety of soup

The bastard has made a career out of filibustering my best legislation just because I screwed his wife and daughter at the same time in his own bed. He won't be able to refund the money, simply because there isn't any. We're a godzillion dollars in debt.